Diet Day 6

Lineman comes home at midnight and I cannot freaking wait. I also know that this is going to make dieting very difficult but I think I can still make it happen.

9:00AM get the baby dressed and take him to my mothers. Today I get to wear jeans so I feel all comfy and happy about working on a Saturday. Side note- tax season is the real deal. We work 7 days a week for 3 ½ months. I ate some really gross blueberry thing that I will make sure is never on another order. Ew.

11:30AM I grabbed a bunch of veggies and some balsamic vinaigrette and dipped those suckers within an inch of their life. It made the broccoli less gross! So yay for me. I’m feeling slightly lightheaded from lack of food but I can only guess that this is a good sign. Goodbye poundage.

2:30PM I was so full of veggies I skipped lunch. At this point I am contemplating a shake but forgot a fucking straw again. I decide the shake is not worth it and drink water to fill the void.

5:30PM After a run to the licquor store I decide to break the mold and have some taco salad. I know this isn’t diet sounding but I had very little meat and more salad and veggies to make me full. It worked. Yay.

7:00PM Get home with only The baby. He had a long nap today so he’s full of energy and since I’ll be up for several more hours I’m ok with a late bedtime. I snack on some imitation lobster meat and cheese. I’ve realized that my calorie intake is less than 500 today which is good because when Lineman comes home we normally have a couple of drinks while we talk and catch up.

10:30PM my mom arrives to sit at the house while the baby sleeps and I go to the airport. I stop by the store to pick up the baby’s favorite meal of Velveeta shells and cheese the microwave version and some wine for my mother.

11:00PM out of the store and on my way to the airport. Feeling a little light headed. I get to the airport and wait for an hour for Lineman.

12:30AM we are on our way home. Get there shuffle my mother to her mini van and start drinking. I also opened the Beef summer sausage the neighbor gave me and some crackers because I think I’m going to pass out. Blow my calorie count out of the water and drink with Lineman until 3AM. It was fun but I know I will regret this. 

Diet Day 5

9:45AM I was running like a crazy woman this morning so I grabbed the closest breakfast bar that didn’t even sound appetizing and ate it. I am far too busy to worry about eating. Hello tax season!

11:45AM decided to dress up the nasty shake with a little of my coffee that went cold on me. It was more palatable but I am sad to say that I forgot a straw. I think straws are awesome inventions and they make me happy. Today I must function without a straw. Sad, sad day. Tomorrow I must bring a straw. I got all kinds of chocolate shake on the sides of my mouth. Obviously the straw is implied when drinking chalky shakes.

2:00PM Ate a fudge peanut butter bar. Does this sound good to you? Yeah it sounded good to me to. The lack of sugar was scarily obvious and it tasted a lot like cardboard with honey on it. I haven’t actually tasted cardboard with honey but that was what I imagined while trying to choke it down.

5:00PM Tonight my mother made a delicious meal. Broiled pork loin with roasted veggies and rice. I measured everything and made sure I logged it in my calorie counter so I wouldn’t go off the reservation and make a pig of myself. Everything was delicious. I realized that I could eat cooked mushrooms for an entire month. They are my everything. I know that is a sad statement but I’m a desperate woman on a diet ok?

7:00PM get home and rush the kids into bedtime routine. Lineman is coming home tomorrow night so I want to hurry the process along so I can see him. After the baby was in bed I snuck a couple of babybels and went to bed.

Diet Day 4

9:00AM Cinnamon muffin is not so bad for breakfast. I am getting used to the decrease in sugar in all foods I am allowed to eat. I still long for the delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the cabinet at the office but since I've spent a months worth of grocery money on this diet I decide the chocolate and peanut butter cups calling to me are not worth it.

11:30AM force myself to drink the chocolate shake. Realize it’s still not good. Only 3 more days of this grossness. Then I get real snack foods. Like imitation crab or lowfat cottage cheese. I am sadly longing for those days now! Oh the possibilities!

1:30PM Oh shit I gotta eat something because I need to drink another shake pretty soon. Scarf some chicken noodle soup that tastes like it might have salt in it. Stare into empty container hoping for more. But alas, I have eaten the entire container and must return to the hum drum of my workday. Lunch break was over in like 5 minutes. Tops.

3:30PM Have second different shake and realize this one is kind of growing on me. Tastes much better than morning shake. Kind of delicious actually. I’m really digging this shake.

5:00PM Take the kids to McD’s because I am avoiding an aunt that will be showing up at my parents house. I thought I would end up binge eating and feel sick. I actually planned this scenario out in my head. Instead I had some fries and a burger. I didn’t eat all my fries and I was busy when we got home so I ate half the burger, did chores and then ate the other half. Seemed to work really well. Slowing down the intake definitely helped me eat less. I did really want a second burger but I figured I'd limit myself to keep up appearances.

8:00PM The Baby is in bed and I’m feeling the hunger. Grabbed a couple of Babybel cheeses and contemplated another snack. Instead of eating it right away I decided to sit in front of the tv with the bag in my lap. I didn’t open it. I felt better that I could have it if I wanted it, but I didn’t need it! Yay diet is working!  Or maybe staring at a bag of imitation cheetos made me realize how low I've sunk. Who craves that kind of crap? Not this girl. Give me the real stuff or give me starvation!

I have realized that this diet makes me super regular. I can almost poop on command. I’m thinking the first week you mostly loose water and fecal weight. Ok that was a pretty big overshare but I feel like I should be documenting this all for prosperity or something. 

Diet Day 3

DAY 3:

9:30AM I had an early start today so I was able to get the baby to daycare and run to the post office before work. Not really hungry but ate a Cinnamon Raisin bar for breakfast. I don’t really like raisins but it wasn’t bad. Still tasted like there should be more sugar.

11:45PM I did stop at the store to buy veggies this morning. Between the carrots, grape tomatoes and broccoli I decide that when I go to the store for real I need some kind of dressing. My broccoli normally has a nice amount of ranch on it to make it palatable. This does not have ranch. It was only saved by the carrot or tomato chaser I was using. It was very filling and I got 3 servings of veggies out of the way fast!

12:00PM Go to the store on my lunch break (the one that doesn’t really exist this time of year but I made it happen anyway). Spent $100 on a quarter of a cart of veggies and other healthy alternatives. Get a little disgusted but try to stay positive. Losing the weight and gaining some energy will be worth it someday.

1:30PM I have been so busy I haven’t thought about eating. The chocolate peanut butter bar was pretty delicious. I have missed one of my shakes so I will have to make that up somewhere. Or forget it all together because that's just what I feel is going to happen.

3:30PM finally have the shake that I was due this morning. Still pretty gross. I didn’t care if it filled me up. I was in catch up mode.Work to do. 

6:00PM My mother has cooked another delicious meal for my children. Curly fries and fried cheeseburgers. I glare at them all as I eat my turkey sausage and bacon rigatoni that sounds much better than it tastes. I steal only 4 fries from the baby so I am pretty sure I am improving daily. And those fries were like heaven on earth.

7:00PM get home and rush the children into bed. Breathe for about 30 seconds before deciding yet again, I need  snack. I picked up imitation lobster meat at the store. Don’t knock it until you try it, it was pretty good. Stopped myself from scarfing the entire package. Only ate my 3oz allowed and then found another delicious babybel to finish it off.

9:00PM Go to bed before the hunger comes again. 

Diet Day 2

DAY 2:

9:15AM Eat a surprisingly delicious chocolate chip granola bar. It was like really good. I was happy. Drink a bottle of water. Pee. (I’m sure you get the general gist of the water intake. Lots of water=lots of peeing. I’ll stop adding this little tidbit).

11:00AM make chocolate shake with Ice I somehow remembered. I still forget the veggie filler because the store is hard work with children and I was trying not to have a panic attack at the state of my house yesterday.

12:30PM Eat a trail mix bar that was pretty good but did not really feel like lunch. It felt like snacking. I wish I had bought veggies. Tomorrow there will be vegetables or I will die.

2:00PM Make second shake that is starting to grow on me because I am losing any brain power I had due to lack of food. Silently pray my mother purchased delicious carrots for me to snack on while watching them eat something delicious.

5:30PM When I arrived at my mother’s to pick up the children a delicious smell smacks me in the face. She has made homemade orange chicken and tater tots. Who does that to a woman on a diet? My children are eating this in front of me. My dinner just doesn’t hold enough appeal and I cave. I only ate a few pieces but they were probably a good 200 calories a piece so I know that all my hard work for today and yesterday are now ruined. I don’t care that chicken was bomb.

6:30PM Arrive home with the children and get them ready for the evening. Start dishes, do laundry and ignore any requests from my body for food. Eventually cave and eat a babybel cheese round. Those things are really delicious and I feel like they will be pretty much my go to snack when I need some damn salt. Vow to get groceries tomorrow come hell or high water.

9:00PM Get in bed exhausted and kinda hungry. I'm feeling more energetic. Like maybe I'll get to sleep at a decent hour and get up early to work out... but then again, maybe I won't. 

Diet Day 1

I decided that during tax season this year I would try one of those already prepared food diets. I thought, hey I could shed a few pounds and it sounds like the least amount of work and thinking so I took the plunge. Plus, it was so expensive that I will be forced to follow through with it for at least a month. I'm going to log my days on my blog to further motivate me.

Day 1:

9:15AM Scarf down blueberry muffin that I can tell has 0 sugar in it. It was kind of like a soft blueberry scented carb without the good stuff. Drink a bottle of water. Pee.

11:00AM Time for the delicious shake that promises to help with digestive health and fill me up. You need ice for this drink and since today is Monday I barely made it out of bed and in the office 15 minutes late. I have only the year old ice in the tiny mini fridge at the office. It will have to do. I make the shake and it is like chalky chocolate milk. It is not delicious but it is filling. Drink half of a bottle of Water. Pee.

12:30PM I choose Cheese Tortellini for lunch. The container is the size of a paper clip holder. I am trying to remind myself that yes, this is the healthy serving size, and no the makers of this program are not trying to taunt me. This was actually pretty good. Drink a bottle of water. Pee.

2:00PM Time for a different delicious chocolate shake with fiber and protein to make me fill full… Also tastes like chalky milk but in a different way. It is filling for about 10 minutes then I am ravenous. I can eat veggies until my heart is content but I did not bring veggies because I was late and it’s Monday. Drink half of a bottle of Water. Pee.

5:00PM Go get the children from my mother and smell the delicious roast dinner that I cannot have. I do however find some cooked carrots in the mix and I munch on those while my Italian flatbread pizza is warming in the microwave. I was so smart I put a paper towel over it so it wouldn’t get messy in the microwave. When it is finished cooking the cheese has melted to the paper towel and I try, in vain, to scrape some of the precious goo onto my cardboard looking pizza. I scarf the pizza because I was starving and try to convince my children that they do actually like roast. This effort failed so I loaded the children into Dom (short for Dom perignon, my champagne colored mini van’s name). Drink some more water. Pee.

6:00PM We go home to find the kitchen semi restored to normal. I work hard to move everything back to where it should be, and open the fridge to cook an egg for The Baby because he is now starving form refusing the roast. Inside said fridge is the cold boneless buffalo wings from dinner on Friday. I love cold boneless wings. I devour them while I cook the egg because, hey, the cardboard pizza wasn’t enough for day 1. Drink more water. Long for alcohol. Pee a few more times.

9:00PM Go to bed full of water and slightly hungry but not willing to move just to ruin all the hard work from day one. (wake up in the middle of the damn night to pee!)

I live in crazy town

2016 marks the year of me making crazy decisions, apparently. My life ends beginning January 1^st and through April 15^th (or 18^th this year thanks idiots in Washington, D.C.) it’s almost like I don’t exist. I work 7 days a week, every week for 3 ½ months. I don’t take on any crazy home improvement projects, I hire a housekeeper to do normal cleaning tasks, and I barely hang on to friendships (actually my friends are completely seasoned to perfection and know that I won’t be seeing the light of day for months so they embrace the radio silence knowing that it will be short lived).

This year I lost my damn mind. Lineman and I got a nice little chunk of money from my parents for Christmas. We decided we better spend it on something worthwhile before we blew it on stupid stuff. So we began the process of making the big decision… what kind of floors should we upgrade to. We’re deep thinkers. We decided on hardwood in the kitchen, new living room carpet and a tile entryway to bring our house out of its former foreclosure special era (we bought it 5 years ago and are just changing these things out because that is how cool we are). We called a hardwood guy, that we knew and gave us a screamin’ deal, we called a tile guy, who I am related to and he gave us a deal, and we called a carpet guy, who I know and gave us a good deal. Notice the deal hunting we did? One person/bid per item and we took the plunge. Who does that you ask? We do. Was it smart? No it was not.

We decided to demo out the hideous vinyl kitchen flooring and underlayment ourselves because it saved us a bundle. Last Tuesday and Wednesday Lineman kicked ass and ripped up the big pieces of flooring. Wednesday night we both crawled on the floor pulling a stupid amount of staples out of the subfloor so the floors could be installed on Thursday. Side note: it is well worth it to pay someone else to do the demo, I was woken many times during the night by my throbbing and painful hands. Hardwood started getting laid down on Thursday and was mostly done last night (Sunday). On Saturday the tile guy came by to do the 4*6 entryway. We also had Thing 2’s birthday part on Saturday and though it was at a pizza parlor, because I may be crazy but not THAT crazy, we still had to go by the house to get a few things for our stay at a hotel to keep us off the floors and away from the majority of the floor sealant smell. When we arrived both the tile guy and the hardwood guy were in the house with their respective spouses helping them. This is fine save for the fact that I only have about 5 feet of space in my living room right now and it was all being used. Then my mom and dad dropped in to check everything out and we were all frozen in place because there was quite literally nowhere to go.

I am living my nightmare. My refrigerator and stove are sitting in the living room in front of the window, my dining room table is sitting in my living room in front of my chair, there is a dolly in my living room plus all the regular furniture. The shit is a mess not to mention the amount of extra hardwood sitting, you guessed it, in my living room. This full panic attack was staved off until last night, after 6 days of clutter, because Lineman was home and we were going to get to re-inhabit the kitchen last night. Lineman had to fly out yesterday afternoon so when I got home to a stinky house with hardwood floors that were still tacky I almost lost it. I somehow managed to stay in the house last night, which by the way was a HUGE mistake. I woke up this morning with a massive migraine from the damn fumes and I about had to call in sick to the job that does not account for sick days during tax season. I threw up, took a bath (where I slept for a good 30 minutes) and then exposed myself to fresh air. The fresh air was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I managed to drag myself into the office by 9:30 and called it a win. I am currently hoping my mother and father in law are getting my house back to normal so when I get home I don’t lose it… again.

Next Wednesday my carpet will be installed and then we will be done. Lineman is coming home Saturday to stay for a week because Thing 2 has to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. I’m happy he will be here to help move everything out of the living room and back once the new carpet is installed. I realize just how crazy we are when I think of all the things we planned without having a real plan. I’m in tax season for gods sake. This is the LAST TIME I go crazy with projects right before tax season. I might have a real mental breakdown requiring a rubber room if I do this to myself again.

Oh yeah and I started a new diet. Lord help my father and sister-in-law for they do not know what is in store for them at the office this week. I’m hoping time starts to fly by so we can be past the crazy and into the normal.