If You Don't Have Children, You Shouldn't Give Parenting Advice

We’ve all been through this scenario. A friend, that hasn’t carried a child, given birth, or tried to keep said child alive gives us advice on how we should parent our child. Normally I give this person a sweet fake smile and move on with my day. Normally this person is not one of my friends or family members. Yesterday it was a family member and the more I think about the interaction the angrier I become. I should let it go and chalk it up to stupid people saying stupid things, but I can’t.

The Baby is a very particular child. When he doesn’t like something or is displeased he makes this sound “ah.” No big deal right? The withering glare and the short one syllable was cute at first. I understand that he doesn’t have a vocabulary yet so he had to find a way to show his displeasure. The older he gets the more serious he is when he makes this sound. Don’t let the sound fool you, he means serious business and it’s normally said loudly followed by the glare. Now, I’m at the point where I need to get this under control.

Normal babies don’t do things like this right? But of course every baby is different and for mine, this is what he does. I try to let it slide but being yelled at by an 18 month old is rather demoralizing. I was regaling a family member with our very scary ER visit the other night where the baby’s fever spiked and we took him in. He was diagnosed with acute pneumonia so I’m glad we went in but there were some unpleasant experiences in the ER.

The Baby HATES new people. He feels secure in his small circle of people he knows and isn’t looking to branch out. As soon as someone touched him in the ER he began wailing. Like someone was cutting off a limb when in reality it was a sticker on his toe. He got so upset by all the new people that he cried until he puked all over me and my mother. I ended up wearing some pretty sweet paper scrubs in lieu of the vomit drenched clothing. Believe me, I was one stylin’ momma. Anyway, during this ER visit a chest X-ray was taken and a very nice paramedic came in with a stuffed moose to try to calm the baby down. What this gentleman didn’t know is only a certain kind of Teddy Bear is allowed in The Baby’s world. I seriously have purchased 6 of these bears in varying sizes to avoid the inevitable loss of a favorite object. When the paramedic handed the moose to The Baby he went “ah” and threw the moose to the floor. Luckily the paramedic did not see this or I would have had to crawl under the hospital bed to hide my shame.

When the X-ray results were read they determined it was pneumonia, gave us antibiotics, and sent us on our way. As I told this story to a family member, who by the way does not have any children, she said “does he get disciplined for acting that way? You better get that under control before he gets older” and she used a very judgy tone that got under my skin. He is 18 months old. What would you like me to do? Lock him in a room until he thinks about what he’s done? Toddlers don’t understand reason and logic. Because if they did they’d be pleasant wonderful creatures that never acted out. He doesn’t know he’s being naughty he’s just expressing how he feels. I didn’t say anything, but word to the wise, if you don’t have children it’s a good idea not to give parenting advice to someone who does have children. And yes I’m aware I should get this under control. Her evaluation of the situation was not incorrect but for her to deliver it was insulting. I’m not an idiot and I obviously have a little more experience parenting children than she does, 

Anyway, believe me or don’t believe me. If you don’t have children and are doling out parenting advice to your friends or family that do have children, we’re all rolling our eyes inside. And we cannot wait for you to have a headstrong child with less than ideal character traits. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever try to do and the entire time you think you are failing. We don't need others judging every decision we make as parents. We don't need advice on our wild child and how to tame them. I actually like that The Baby is so headstrong. He drives me crazy some days but I know that he will always know what he wants and no one will stop him. And I mean no one! He challenges me daily and though some of you are thanking your lucky stars he isn't yours, I'm thanking my lucky stars he is mine. 

5 Perfectionist Problems

I am a perfectionist. This is a problem because I am also a mother. Things will never ever, ever be the way I want them to be. There will always be clutter and chaos in my house until my children grow and then I’m sure I’ll miss the noise and the clutter, because that’s what we tend to do. We tend to get so immersed in our lives that we don’t appreciate things until we look back. Today my perfectionist ways are getting to me. Here are the reasons being a perfectionist sucks.

1. The GODDAMN Breakfast Bar is NEVER Clean

Lineman seems to think magical elves live in our house and they come around every night to pick up the clutter on the breakfast bar. In reality his haggard wife does it while she is multi-tasking a million other things because it bugs her. Most of the time the bar refuses to be cleaned. Sometimes it beats me down and I let the things build and build until I have a break down and freak out on the kids like the world is ending. My need for the bar to be clean is really stupid. Who gives a damn if there are always random tools and papers from school and assorted items that have been taken away from the baby and put on the bar? I do, because my need for a clutter free house begins with my breakfast bar. One day I will beat the bar and then I will rip it out to prove my point.

2. The Squiggly Lines of Spelling/Grammar check

I know I am going to misspell words especially when I am typing like a crazy woman trying to get a thought out of my head before it disappears never to return again. I know that I can go back and fix all the mistakes when I am done writing but I just can’t. I can’t wait to fix the spelling errors because that red squiggly line is just staring at me telling me I missed something and my anxiety increases until the line goes away after I fix the problem. This has caused me to lose a lot of work in the past. Obviously if I saved my work more this would be a non-issue but I’m just not that cool.

3. Cooking in a Messy Kitchen is Like Some Slow Torture

I cannot cook in a messy kitchen. I burn dinner because I’m trying to do dishes and wipe down counters and then I have a for REAL breakdown because I know better than to attempt cooking dinner in a dirty kitchen but I continue to try and then everything is wrong with the world. Lineman KNOWS this about me. He is fully aware that if I come home from work to a dirty kitchen I will not start cooking until the kitchen is cleaned. This has started more than 1 fight. He has finally gotten on the bandwagon though. If he sees the kitchen is dirty before I get home, he cleans it so his dinner is cooked to perfect and his wife is happy and smiling while cooking it.

4. I Cannot Simply “Proof Read”

If something is poorly written it makes me crazy. I don’t write for a living but I’m fairly adept at it. I can tell you that when I read a funny newsletter I tend to be more willing to read another and then I might possibly be interested in the company writing the letter. So when my mother hands me a letter to her church I cannot simply proof read it. I have to re-write it and make it funny and cute. The same is true of when Lineman asks me to proof read his college papers. I am so damn neurotic that I can’t let it go. Is it my degree? No, well kinda because I help A LOT. Would his papers be fine if I just checked for weird sentence structure? Yes. Can I talk myself into letting it go? NO I CANNOT because my world needs to be fucking perfect and if I’m going to proof read I might as well do it right and just re-write the paper. It’s exhausting and I. Do. It. To. Myself!

5. I Miss Out on Cool Things Because I Can’t Calm The Hell Down

My children are amazing creatures. They come up with strange and silly ideas and dances and they want me to be in their world. I love that. I hate it when my perfectionism gets in the way of me being a mom. I want to stop cleaning the kitchen and watch the baby spin in circles and laugh, but if the kitchen isn’t clean then I can’t cook, and if I can’t cook the children will starve, and I’ll go to jail for child endangerment and my life will be over. See that slippery slope? That’s where I live. I just want to be able to ignore the breakfast bar and the messy kitchen and how many times Thing 1 misspelled words while happily doing homework. Because if he is happily doing homework pointing out misspelled words gets lots of sighs and whines and turns into fighting about letters on a page. I want to just sit on the floor with The Baby and not worry about the mess I’m going to have to clean up later. I just want to live in the now. Sometimes for brief glimpses I’m able to do this, but mostly it’s the constant go, go, go that keeps me busy because if it’s not perfect and rosy I’m obviously failing somehow. 

Diet Day 7

12:00PM Not really interested in eating but it has to happen eventually. We get the baby some food and I eat a breakfast sandwich that sounded good but in reality was very gross. It desperately needed cheese. Combat this with some low fat cottage cheese and shared with the baby.

2:00PM Lineman is eating caramel chocolates and I hate him for it. Shared some with the baby before his nap and I just watched and ate nothing. Lineman wants pizza for dinner, which is his all time favorite meal. I agreed to go but this will probably be a regrettable step backwards.

5:00PM get to the pizza place. I ordered a salad bar and got as much as I could. No vinaigrette so I had to have my favorite blue cheese. I ate 2 pieces of pizza which is WAY more than I should have but the stuff was just too damn good. I will get back on track tomorrow.

7:00PM I found some chocolates and ate two because I’ve already blown my day up with calories and they tasted like heaven on earth.

Diet Day 6

Lineman comes home at midnight and I cannot freaking wait. I also know that this is going to make dieting very difficult but I think I can still make it happen.

9:00AM get the baby dressed and take him to my mothers. Today I get to wear jeans so I feel all comfy and happy about working on a Saturday. Side note- tax season is the real deal. We work 7 days a week for 3 ½ months. I ate some really gross blueberry thing that I will make sure is never on another order. Ew.

11:30AM I grabbed a bunch of veggies and some balsamic vinaigrette and dipped those suckers within an inch of their life. It made the broccoli less gross! So yay for me. I’m feeling slightly lightheaded from lack of food but I can only guess that this is a good sign. Goodbye poundage.

2:30PM I was so full of veggies I skipped lunch. At this point I am contemplating a shake but forgot a fucking straw again. I decide the shake is not worth it and drink water to fill the void.

5:30PM After a run to the licquor store I decide to break the mold and have some taco salad. I know this isn’t diet sounding but I had very little meat and more salad and veggies to make me full. It worked. Yay.

7:00PM Get home with only The baby. He had a long nap today so he’s full of energy and since I’ll be up for several more hours I’m ok with a late bedtime. I snack on some imitation lobster meat and cheese. I’ve realized that my calorie intake is less than 500 today which is good because when Lineman comes home we normally have a couple of drinks while we talk and catch up.

10:30PM my mom arrives to sit at the house while the baby sleeps and I go to the airport. I stop by the store to pick up the baby’s favorite meal of Velveeta shells and cheese the microwave version and some wine for my mother.

11:00PM out of the store and on my way to the airport. Feeling a little light headed. I get to the airport and wait for an hour for Lineman.

12:30AM we are on our way home. Get there shuffle my mother to her mini van and start drinking. I also opened the Beef summer sausage the neighbor gave me and some crackers because I think I’m going to pass out. Blow my calorie count out of the water and drink with Lineman until 3AM. It was fun but I know I will regret this. 

Diet Day 5

9:45AM I was running like a crazy woman this morning so I grabbed the closest breakfast bar that didn’t even sound appetizing and ate it. I am far too busy to worry about eating. Hello tax season!

11:45AM decided to dress up the nasty shake with a little of my coffee that went cold on me. It was more palatable but I am sad to say that I forgot a straw. I think straws are awesome inventions and they make me happy. Today I must function without a straw. Sad, sad day. Tomorrow I must bring a straw. I got all kinds of chocolate shake on the sides of my mouth. Obviously the straw is implied when drinking chalky shakes.

2:00PM Ate a fudge peanut butter bar. Does this sound good to you? Yeah it sounded good to me to. The lack of sugar was scarily obvious and it tasted a lot like cardboard with honey on it. I haven’t actually tasted cardboard with honey but that was what I imagined while trying to choke it down.

5:00PM Tonight my mother made a delicious meal. Broiled pork loin with roasted veggies and rice. I measured everything and made sure I logged it in my calorie counter so I wouldn’t go off the reservation and make a pig of myself. Everything was delicious. I realized that I could eat cooked mushrooms for an entire month. They are my everything. I know that is a sad statement but I’m a desperate woman on a diet ok?

7:00PM get home and rush the kids into bedtime routine. Lineman is coming home tomorrow night so I want to hurry the process along so I can see him. After the baby was in bed I snuck a couple of babybels and went to bed.

Diet Day 4

9:00AM Cinnamon muffin is not so bad for breakfast. I am getting used to the decrease in sugar in all foods I am allowed to eat. I still long for the delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the cabinet at the office but since I've spent a months worth of grocery money on this diet I decide the chocolate and peanut butter cups calling to me are not worth it.

11:30AM force myself to drink the chocolate shake. Realize it’s still not good. Only 3 more days of this grossness. Then I get real snack foods. Like imitation crab or lowfat cottage cheese. I am sadly longing for those days now! Oh the possibilities!

1:30PM Oh shit I gotta eat something because I need to drink another shake pretty soon. Scarf some chicken noodle soup that tastes like it might have salt in it. Stare into empty container hoping for more. But alas, I have eaten the entire container and must return to the hum drum of my workday. Lunch break was over in like 5 minutes. Tops.

3:30PM Have second different shake and realize this one is kind of growing on me. Tastes much better than morning shake. Kind of delicious actually. I’m really digging this shake.

5:00PM Take the kids to McD’s because I am avoiding an aunt that will be showing up at my parents house. I thought I would end up binge eating and feel sick. I actually planned this scenario out in my head. Instead I had some fries and a burger. I didn’t eat all my fries and I was busy when we got home so I ate half the burger, did chores and then ate the other half. Seemed to work really well. Slowing down the intake definitely helped me eat less. I did really want a second burger but I figured I'd limit myself to keep up appearances.

8:00PM The Baby is in bed and I’m feeling the hunger. Grabbed a couple of Babybel cheeses and contemplated another snack. Instead of eating it right away I decided to sit in front of the tv with the bag in my lap. I didn’t open it. I felt better that I could have it if I wanted it, but I didn’t need it! Yay diet is working!  Or maybe staring at a bag of imitation cheetos made me realize how low I've sunk. Who craves that kind of crap? Not this girl. Give me the real stuff or give me starvation!

I have realized that this diet makes me super regular. I can almost poop on command. I’m thinking the first week you mostly loose water and fecal weight. Ok that was a pretty big overshare but I feel like I should be documenting this all for prosperity or something. 

Diet Day 3

DAY 3:

9:30AM I had an early start today so I was able to get the baby to daycare and run to the post office before work. Not really hungry but ate a Cinnamon Raisin bar for breakfast. I don’t really like raisins but it wasn’t bad. Still tasted like there should be more sugar.

11:45PM I did stop at the store to buy veggies this morning. Between the carrots, grape tomatoes and broccoli I decide that when I go to the store for real I need some kind of dressing. My broccoli normally has a nice amount of ranch on it to make it palatable. This does not have ranch. It was only saved by the carrot or tomato chaser I was using. It was very filling and I got 3 servings of veggies out of the way fast!

12:00PM Go to the store on my lunch break (the one that doesn’t really exist this time of year but I made it happen anyway). Spent $100 on a quarter of a cart of veggies and other healthy alternatives. Get a little disgusted but try to stay positive. Losing the weight and gaining some energy will be worth it someday.

1:30PM I have been so busy I haven’t thought about eating. The chocolate peanut butter bar was pretty delicious. I have missed one of my shakes so I will have to make that up somewhere. Or forget it all together because that's just what I feel is going to happen.

3:30PM finally have the shake that I was due this morning. Still pretty gross. I didn’t care if it filled me up. I was in catch up mode.Work to do. 

6:00PM My mother has cooked another delicious meal for my children. Curly fries and fried cheeseburgers. I glare at them all as I eat my turkey sausage and bacon rigatoni that sounds much better than it tastes. I steal only 4 fries from the baby so I am pretty sure I am improving daily. And those fries were like heaven on earth.

7:00PM get home and rush the children into bed. Breathe for about 30 seconds before deciding yet again, I need  snack. I picked up imitation lobster meat at the store. Don’t knock it until you try it, it was pretty good. Stopped myself from scarfing the entire package. Only ate my 3oz allowed and then found another delicious babybel to finish it off.

9:00PM Go to bed before the hunger comes again.