Step Parenting Is a Hard Gig

It occurs to me that being a Step Parent is really hard. I love my step son, Thing 2. And I’m fairly certain he loves me. I haven’t had a fight with him in about 2 weeks, he has been at his mother’s house for this 2 weeks. When he comes to our house and Lineman is home he is the devil’s spawn. I’ve determined that when Lineman is home Thing 2, who is a very big daddy’s boy, tries to keep all of Lineman’s attention. He hates that he has to share his time with his dad with people like me, Thing 1, and The Baby. He wants ALL the attention and when he doesn’t get it he tends to act out. Most of his anger comes out as attitude and normally that attitude is directed at me.

I get it, I’m the evil step mother. I can own that role in his life as long as he knows that while he thinks I’m a bitch I also love him deeply. I’m trying desperately to teach him how to be a respectable person. Someone I can look at when he’s older and know that he learned from what I taught him. I make him do chores, what? Yeah I’m a bitch like that. He is a smart chore completer too because he can always manipulate Thing 1 into doing the hard chores. I let this go on for a while because I figured that eventually Thing 1 would get tired of doing to hard chores. That did not happen, Thing 1 just did the chores because his brother told him to so I finally stepped in. First, I don’t like seeing Thing 2 manipulate his brother. Second, Thing 2 can be very lazy and I will be damned if one of my sons sits on his ass while I bust mine to keep our house in order. Third, Thing 2 won’t always have his older brother to take the hard chores so he needs to learn how to get them done without his brother’s help.

So Thing 2 and I continue this dance. He hates me most of the time, except for when he loves me. When Lineman is gone he loves me a lot more because he isn’t trying to get his dad’s attention. When Lineman is home he loves me sometimes, when I cater to him, and that’s about it. He especially hates me when I have to punish him.

There is some advice I’ve received from my parents that actually made sense and I have kept in the back of my mind as my sons have grown. “Get your bluff in early, when they are older you need that bluff to carry your punishments down the road.” This is the best advice I’ve ever gotten. I have bluffed my ass off with Thing 1 and it’s worked. If Thing 1 wanted to he could resist punishments but I have him convinced that because I’m his mother, I win, every time. This theory is still a work in progress with Thing 2. We have a constant power struggle and I have to call on Lineman more than I would like to put Thing 2 in his place.

The biggest struggle is the one that really matters. I struggle to get him to recognize me as a parent. His mother is really easy to work with so as a group we all have input on Thing 2 and how his life should go. He doesn’t ever have to call me “mom” because I didn’t carry him in my body. He does have to respect me and my rules. Most of the time he does respect me, but the older he gets the more disrespect I get. It’s hard to love a child that you didn’t choose and one that could, in reality, not be yours forever. I love Thing 2 like he was my own but I also know that if Lineman ever left so would Thing 2. I’m fairly certain this will never happen but everyone is certain until it does happen. Anyway there is my rant on being a step parent.  It’s damn hard work, but I think in the end, it will all work out. Somewhere deep in a dark corner of Thing 2’s heart he will always love me and the things I’ve taught him. He will love that he knows how to do laundry and clean the bathroom, or at least his future wife will love that I taught him those things. He will love that I was always there for him no matter how big he screwed up. He will love that I challenged him to do things he wasn’t interested in. He will love me because I love him. 

Toddlers and Medicine Don’t Mix

It’s an age old struggle of mom’s fighting the good fight to help their children feel better. Doctors are good at what they do and we try to follow their instructions to the letter… until you have a toddler. You see, toddlers have opinions, LOTS of opinions. They even have differing opinions from the doctor. The struggle is real.

The Baby was diagnosed with acute pneumonia (also a double ear infection just to round things out). We caught it early and began a pretty strong antibiotic to kick it out of my sweet little angels lungs (and ears). The problem word in that sentence was antibiotic. The Baby is against medicine. When he was teething it took the Tylenol like a champ. Sometimes he sucked on the syringe to get the last drops of the sweet nectar. Now that he is one and has an opinion on EVERYTHING he has decided he doesn’t like taking medicine. He has decided that no matter what his mother tries he is NOT going to take the medicine. Because his mother obviously can’t be trusted, and what she says is medicine might actually be poison.

At first I was trying to be sneaky about the medicine. I have yet to kick his bottle to the curb because that thing makes him really happy and I really like it. So I tried to hide the medicine in his bottle like I do with the Ibuprofen. The Baby is a smart little thing and rejected this bottle. I even put a little bit of chocolate syrup in the bottle to mask the flavor, but he was not fooled. Baby- 1 Me- 0.

I tried mixing the medicine with chocolate syrup and giving him a shot. He refused. Baby-2 Me-0. So I tried giving him just chocolate syrup from the syringe to get him used to it. He rejected it. I then got really sneaky. As I was feeding him dinner I would wait until he opened his mouth for the next bite and squirt a little of the medicine in his mouth. This worked for about three bites. Then he wouldn’t take his eyes off the syringe and he decided he needed to feed himself because I could not be trusted. Baby-3 Me-0. So I put the medicine in his dinner. He decided he was done eating. Baby-4 Me-0 I tried to forcefully inject the medicine in his mouth and he spit it out. There were tears and it sucked. Baby-5 Me-0.

Yesterday I hit my breaking point. We started the medicine debacle on Friday and through the weekend he maybe ingested about 1/20^th of the medicine he should have had. He was pulling at his ears and I knew I had to figure this thing out. I found a solution and it made me feel like the worst mother ever. Lineman is gone so I had to devise a plan to force my child to take his medicine. I laid him on the floor, and then pinned him down with my body, then I have to pry his little jaw open while he fights with every fiber of his being, then I have to stick the syringe in the back of his throat and plug his nose while I get the medicine in his mouth so he is forced to swallow it. Baby-5 Me-1.

I hate doing this to my child. He cries and looks at me that I am the worst human on the planet. We have had two successful medicine doses since last night. He is supposed to take this medicine for 10 DAYS. I have to give it to him twice a day for another 7 days. Which means for the next 7 days I will have to repeat the process of forcing my child to take medicine. If toddlers were just reasonable people I could explain that taking the medicine is going to help him feel better and the less he fights the easier it is. But toddlers are not reasonable people. They are crazy lunatics that cannot be reasoned with. I sincerely hope that he will realize that I have to give him his medicine, but of course he will not realize this. He will think that I am a terrible person that is making him drink something that tastes really gross for my own sick pleasure. I am dreading the next 7 days. This medicine better damn well work or I am going to have a breakdown. 13 more doses, 13 more doses, 13 more doses.

If You Don't Have Children, You Shouldn't Give Parenting Advice

We’ve all been through this scenario. A friend, that hasn’t carried a child, given birth, or tried to keep said child alive gives us advice on how we should parent our child. Normally I give this person a sweet fake smile and move on with my day. Normally this person is not one of my friends or family members. Yesterday it was a family member and the more I think about the interaction the angrier I become. I should let it go and chalk it up to stupid people saying stupid things, but I can’t.

The Baby is a very particular child. When he doesn’t like something or is displeased he makes this sound “ah.” No big deal right? The withering glare and the short one syllable was cute at first. I understand that he doesn’t have a vocabulary yet so he had to find a way to show his displeasure. The older he gets the more serious he is when he makes this sound. Don’t let the sound fool you, he means serious business and it’s normally said loudly followed by the glare. Now, I’m at the point where I need to get this under control.

Normal babies don’t do things like this right? But of course every baby is different and for mine, this is what he does. I try to let it slide but being yelled at by an 18 month old is rather demoralizing. I was regaling a family member with our very scary ER visit the other night where the baby’s fever spiked and we took him in. He was diagnosed with acute pneumonia so I’m glad we went in but there were some unpleasant experiences in the ER.

The Baby HATES new people. He feels secure in his small circle of people he knows and isn’t looking to branch out. As soon as someone touched him in the ER he began wailing. Like someone was cutting off a limb when in reality it was a sticker on his toe. He got so upset by all the new people that he cried until he puked all over me and my mother. I ended up wearing some pretty sweet paper scrubs in lieu of the vomit drenched clothing. Believe me, I was one stylin’ momma. Anyway, during this ER visit a chest X-ray was taken and a very nice paramedic came in with a stuffed moose to try to calm the baby down. What this gentleman didn’t know is only a certain kind of Teddy Bear is allowed in The Baby’s world. I seriously have purchased 6 of these bears in varying sizes to avoid the inevitable loss of a favorite object. When the paramedic handed the moose to The Baby he went “ah” and threw the moose to the floor. Luckily the paramedic did not see this or I would have had to crawl under the hospital bed to hide my shame.

When the X-ray results were read they determined it was pneumonia, gave us antibiotics, and sent us on our way. As I told this story to a family member, who by the way does not have any children, she said “does he get disciplined for acting that way? You better get that under control before he gets older” and she used a very judgy tone that got under my skin. He is 18 months old. What would you like me to do? Lock him in a room until he thinks about what he’s done? Toddlers don’t understand reason and logic. Because if they did they’d be pleasant wonderful creatures that never acted out. He doesn’t know he’s being naughty he’s just expressing how he feels. I didn’t say anything, but word to the wise, if you don’t have children it’s a good idea not to give parenting advice to someone who does have children. And yes I’m aware I should get this under control. Her evaluation of the situation was not incorrect but for her to deliver it was insulting. I’m not an idiot and I obviously have a little more experience parenting children than she does, 

Anyway, believe me or don’t believe me. If you don’t have children and are doling out parenting advice to your friends or family that do have children, we’re all rolling our eyes inside. And we cannot wait for you to have a headstrong child with less than ideal character traits. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever try to do and the entire time you think you are failing. We don't need others judging every decision we make as parents. We don't need advice on our wild child and how to tame them. I actually like that The Baby is so headstrong. He drives me crazy some days but I know that he will always know what he wants and no one will stop him. And I mean no one! He challenges me daily and though some of you are thanking your lucky stars he isn't yours, I'm thanking my lucky stars he is mine. 

5 Perfectionist Problems

I am a perfectionist. This is a problem because I am also a mother. Things will never ever, ever be the way I want them to be. There will always be clutter and chaos in my house until my children grow and then I’m sure I’ll miss the noise and the clutter, because that’s what we tend to do. We tend to get so immersed in our lives that we don’t appreciate things until we look back. Today my perfectionist ways are getting to me. Here are the reasons being a perfectionist sucks.

1. The GODDAMN Breakfast Bar is NEVER Clean

Lineman seems to think magical elves live in our house and they come around every night to pick up the clutter on the breakfast bar. In reality his haggard wife does it while she is multi-tasking a million other things because it bugs her. Most of the time the bar refuses to be cleaned. Sometimes it beats me down and I let the things build and build until I have a break down and freak out on the kids like the world is ending. My need for the bar to be clean is really stupid. Who gives a damn if there are always random tools and papers from school and assorted items that have been taken away from the baby and put on the bar? I do, because my need for a clutter free house begins with my breakfast bar. One day I will beat the bar and then I will rip it out to prove my point.

2. The Squiggly Lines of Spelling/Grammar check

I know I am going to misspell words especially when I am typing like a crazy woman trying to get a thought out of my head before it disappears never to return again. I know that I can go back and fix all the mistakes when I am done writing but I just can’t. I can’t wait to fix the spelling errors because that red squiggly line is just staring at me telling me I missed something and my anxiety increases until the line goes away after I fix the problem. This has caused me to lose a lot of work in the past. Obviously if I saved my work more this would be a non-issue but I’m just not that cool.

3. Cooking in a Messy Kitchen is Like Some Slow Torture

I cannot cook in a messy kitchen. I burn dinner because I’m trying to do dishes and wipe down counters and then I have a for REAL breakdown because I know better than to attempt cooking dinner in a dirty kitchen but I continue to try and then everything is wrong with the world. Lineman KNOWS this about me. He is fully aware that if I come home from work to a dirty kitchen I will not start cooking until the kitchen is cleaned. This has started more than 1 fight. He has finally gotten on the bandwagon though. If he sees the kitchen is dirty before I get home, he cleans it so his dinner is cooked to perfect and his wife is happy and smiling while cooking it.

4. I Cannot Simply “Proof Read”

If something is poorly written it makes me crazy. I don’t write for a living but I’m fairly adept at it. I can tell you that when I read a funny newsletter I tend to be more willing to read another and then I might possibly be interested in the company writing the letter. So when my mother hands me a letter to her church I cannot simply proof read it. I have to re-write it and make it funny and cute. The same is true of when Lineman asks me to proof read his college papers. I am so damn neurotic that I can’t let it go. Is it my degree? No, well kinda because I help A LOT. Would his papers be fine if I just checked for weird sentence structure? Yes. Can I talk myself into letting it go? NO I CANNOT because my world needs to be fucking perfect and if I’m going to proof read I might as well do it right and just re-write the paper. It’s exhausting and I. Do. It. To. Myself!

5. I Miss Out on Cool Things Because I Can’t Calm The Hell Down

My children are amazing creatures. They come up with strange and silly ideas and dances and they want me to be in their world. I love that. I hate it when my perfectionism gets in the way of me being a mom. I want to stop cleaning the kitchen and watch the baby spin in circles and laugh, but if the kitchen isn’t clean then I can’t cook, and if I can’t cook the children will starve, and I’ll go to jail for child endangerment and my life will be over. See that slippery slope? That’s where I live. I just want to be able to ignore the breakfast bar and the messy kitchen and how many times Thing 1 misspelled words while happily doing homework. Because if he is happily doing homework pointing out misspelled words gets lots of sighs and whines and turns into fighting about letters on a page. I want to just sit on the floor with The Baby and not worry about the mess I’m going to have to clean up later. I just want to live in the now. Sometimes for brief glimpses I’m able to do this, but mostly it’s the constant go, go, go that keeps me busy because if it’s not perfect and rosy I’m obviously failing somehow. 

Diet Day 7

12:00PM Not really interested in eating but it has to happen eventually. We get the baby some food and I eat a breakfast sandwich that sounded good but in reality was very gross. It desperately needed cheese. Combat this with some low fat cottage cheese and shared with the baby.

2:00PM Lineman is eating caramel chocolates and I hate him for it. Shared some with the baby before his nap and I just watched and ate nothing. Lineman wants pizza for dinner, which is his all time favorite meal. I agreed to go but this will probably be a regrettable step backwards.

5:00PM get to the pizza place. I ordered a salad bar and got as much as I could. No vinaigrette so I had to have my favorite blue cheese. I ate 2 pieces of pizza which is WAY more than I should have but the stuff was just too damn good. I will get back on track tomorrow.

7:00PM I found some chocolates and ate two because I’ve already blown my day up with calories and they tasted like heaven on earth.

Diet Day 6

Lineman comes home at midnight and I cannot freaking wait. I also know that this is going to make dieting very difficult but I think I can still make it happen.

9:00AM get the baby dressed and take him to my mothers. Today I get to wear jeans so I feel all comfy and happy about working on a Saturday. Side note- tax season is the real deal. We work 7 days a week for 3 ½ months. I ate some really gross blueberry thing that I will make sure is never on another order. Ew.

11:30AM I grabbed a bunch of veggies and some balsamic vinaigrette and dipped those suckers within an inch of their life. It made the broccoli less gross! So yay for me. I’m feeling slightly lightheaded from lack of food but I can only guess that this is a good sign. Goodbye poundage.

2:30PM I was so full of veggies I skipped lunch. At this point I am contemplating a shake but forgot a fucking straw again. I decide the shake is not worth it and drink water to fill the void.

5:30PM After a run to the licquor store I decide to break the mold and have some taco salad. I know this isn’t diet sounding but I had very little meat and more salad and veggies to make me full. It worked. Yay.

7:00PM Get home with only The baby. He had a long nap today so he’s full of energy and since I’ll be up for several more hours I’m ok with a late bedtime. I snack on some imitation lobster meat and cheese. I’ve realized that my calorie intake is less than 500 today which is good because when Lineman comes home we normally have a couple of drinks while we talk and catch up.

10:30PM my mom arrives to sit at the house while the baby sleeps and I go to the airport. I stop by the store to pick up the baby’s favorite meal of Velveeta shells and cheese the microwave version and some wine for my mother.

11:00PM out of the store and on my way to the airport. Feeling a little light headed. I get to the airport and wait for an hour for Lineman.

12:30AM we are on our way home. Get there shuffle my mother to her mini van and start drinking. I also opened the Beef summer sausage the neighbor gave me and some crackers because I think I’m going to pass out. Blow my calorie count out of the water and drink with Lineman until 3AM. It was fun but I know I will regret this. 

Diet Day 5

9:45AM I was running like a crazy woman this morning so I grabbed the closest breakfast bar that didn’t even sound appetizing and ate it. I am far too busy to worry about eating. Hello tax season!

11:45AM decided to dress up the nasty shake with a little of my coffee that went cold on me. It was more palatable but I am sad to say that I forgot a straw. I think straws are awesome inventions and they make me happy. Today I must function without a straw. Sad, sad day. Tomorrow I must bring a straw. I got all kinds of chocolate shake on the sides of my mouth. Obviously the straw is implied when drinking chalky shakes.

2:00PM Ate a fudge peanut butter bar. Does this sound good to you? Yeah it sounded good to me to. The lack of sugar was scarily obvious and it tasted a lot like cardboard with honey on it. I haven’t actually tasted cardboard with honey but that was what I imagined while trying to choke it down.

5:00PM Tonight my mother made a delicious meal. Broiled pork loin with roasted veggies and rice. I measured everything and made sure I logged it in my calorie counter so I wouldn’t go off the reservation and make a pig of myself. Everything was delicious. I realized that I could eat cooked mushrooms for an entire month. They are my everything. I know that is a sad statement but I’m a desperate woman on a diet ok?

7:00PM get home and rush the kids into bedtime routine. Lineman is coming home tomorrow night so I want to hurry the process along so I can see him. After the baby was in bed I snuck a couple of babybels and went to bed.